Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
