Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
