You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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