singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
