Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
