My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
