I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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