but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
