i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
