4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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