I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
