I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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