AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
