Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
