when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
