Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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