i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize