Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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