i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
