HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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