Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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