There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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