Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
