and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm like, not good at living.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
