My nipple is on Facebook.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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