I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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