It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
