I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
