i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
