holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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