Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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