I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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