dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
