I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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