So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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