i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
