I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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