If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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