Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
