I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
my liver is dry heaving
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
