I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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