I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize