This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
