u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
