...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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