i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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