sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
