it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
