remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
