currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
