It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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