I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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