it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
