This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
