I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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