I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
