I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
