fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
farters have to be the big spoon...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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