In the future we'll all be gay
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
