Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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