Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
