im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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