so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
